Glover Park’s five Advisory Neighborhood Commission members each were elected uncontested and unopposed on November 3rd and surprisingly no one asked for a recount. Kim Jong-un and Nicolas Maduro got wind of the neighborhood election results and asked to join the next ANC-3B monthly Zoom call to learn how this was achieved without an army. Chairman Brian Turmail, along with commissioners Jackie Blumenthal, Melissa Lane and Ann Mladinov retained their commission seats, while Elizabeth Elson replaced Mary Young for the ANC3B-04 slot as treasurer. Mary faithfully and selflessly served many years as commissioner in Glover Park’s ANC. See Elizabeth’s bio here.
All seemed well until CNN was alerted to the election rout in the neighborhood. Whistleblowers fed reporters information on voting irregularities which then led down the rabbit hole to the influence of foreign power-players in the elections. CNN quoted three partially verified unnamed sources, all who agreed that Commissioner Ann Mladinov’s name “sounds Russian.” Upon further investigation reporters uncovered that she lives only a few blocks from the Russian Embassy! The connection was clear to everyone, so Mary Cheh, Glover Park’s DC Councilmember, opened an investigation into why Vladimir Putin sought to pull the strings in Glover Park elections.
Word of Cheh’s investigation was leaked to Fox News, which found three more partially verified unnamed sources who stated that clearly Cheh’s name “sounds Chinese.” Further, their reporters revealed that a little-known and secretive Chinese visa office has been operating in Glover Park on Wisconsin Avenue for many years now. The investigation led all the way to China and the connection to Chang Cheh, the famous kung fu filmmaker of the 1970’s who produced Five Shaolin Masters, which influenced Quentin Tarantino in the making of the Kill Bill movies. The clear conspiracy involving international operatives and Hollywood influences reached the Mayor’s office, who ordered the creation of a commission to investigate these very troubling connections. The Mayor vowed that everyone who voted for an ANC commissioner in Glover Park would be interrogated to find out whether they have ever watched a Quentin Tarantino movie. The commission’s comprehensive report will be completed and made public in 2024.
Tensions about the elections boiled over last week as a mob of Glover Park moms and dads, and a few college students who had nothing else to do because online learning “sucked” (according to them), stormed the Guy Mason Rec Center – the site of the now-infamous voting. The mob, not realizing the rec center had been closed since the beginning of last year, found only a few poorly made vases and some spandex from the free pottery and Zumba classes that used to take place there. Not satisfied with the plunder, the mob then headed across the street to loot Pearson’s Wine and Spirits once again in the name of liberty and freedom, or was it because they have liquor? The message was a bit mixed as the crowd drank on the sidewalk.
Chairman Turmail, exasperated with the unprecedented events and having no explanation as to how he could garner 160% of neighborhood votes (other than, “because Covid”), decided he would not attend his own re-election ceremony in protest. Three civil war cannon reproductions were placed in front of the Guy Mason Rec Center to deter any future attempts at insurrection.
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